Breaking the Mold
by snowglow
Summary: John and Keller work through some issues together that make Rodney rethink his relationship with both of them. Temporary bodyswap, Gender issues, Slash
1. Chapter 1

**Title**: Breaking the Mold  
**Pairing**: McKay/Keller, McKay/Sheppard, _very_ vague mentions of Sheppard/OFC, Sheppard/OMC, and McKay/OFC  
**Rating**: R  
**Warning**: Temparary bodyswap, discussion of menstruation with possible PTSD implications  
**Disclaimer**: None of the characters are mine.  
**Author's Note**: Written for sga santa for hyperfocused. Post-series, sometime after Atlantis has returned to the Pegasus galaxy and everyone's settled back in. Also, in my world, clone!Carson is back permanently and shares CMO duties with Keller. Just in case it's confusing; the first two parts are from John's POV and the last is from Rodney's.

John grumbled to himself as he trampled through the thick vegetation along the forest floor. He wasn't headed in any particular direction, just needed to get away from the nauseating amount of pure sap back in the village. It was just a routine medical visit but Rodney had volunteered to help out, something about Keller's insistence that he continue to be _The Kinder, Gentler Rodney McKay_, and John had stupidly come with him. It always made him edgy when Keller tried to make Rodney act like something he wasn't, he supposed she was nice enough but, in his mind, it would always be her who wasn't good enough for Rodney, not the other way around.

John had helped out as much as he could but as the day wore on and patients (including stuff for him to occupy himself with) began to dwindle down he was feeling increasingly useless. Not to mention his just plain needing to not have to overhear Jennifer and Rodney twitter honey-coated phrases back and forth. Sickening.

When he reached the point of wishing he'd brought Ronon along just so he could ask him to stun them John decided it might be best for him to take a walk.

Of course it figured he'd get lost. He had the worst luck. But he wasn't ready to talk to anyone else just yet so he figured he'd try to find his way back on his own for a while longer before radioing in for some help. He really didn't want to have to do that.

Something caught John's attention out of the corner of his eye and his gun was half drawn before he realized it was only some sort of ruin. It could be interesting so he fought his way closer and reached out to touch it. It was just a waist-height pillar with symbols that looked suspiciously like ancient to him, but what did he know, except when his fingertips touched the sculpted stone he felt a mild shock pass through him. That was strange. He checked for damage or changes, it's not possible to be too careful around ancient technology, but found none. John shrugged it off as an anomaly and turned back to the kind-of-path he'd been kind of following.

He was just about to give in and make that embarrassing radio call to ask for directions when he realized with a sigh of relief that he had passed this tree formation before. He knew where to go now. Maybe.

Dusk was settling in when John finally made his way out of the forest and into the clearing that housed the little village. Everyone had left the darkening outdoors in favor of other things, probably food. Food sounded good now. But he really just wanted to get back home, to Atlantis, where he had his own space and could at least pretend his best friend wasn't turning into a cheesy romantic.

He made his way to the little hut they had been using as a clinic but walked in to find only Jennifer packing away supplies.

"Oh, Hello, Colonel. Have a good time out exploring?"

"Um, sure, say, where's Rodney, I was kinda hoping we could head back if you were done here."

"Yes, of course, he just went to get some food while I packed up,  
see, all done…"

She had just looked up from zipping closed the last of her things and really looked at him for the first time since he'd entered. She gave him a double take then let her eyes travel quizzically up and down him. It made John nervous. He cleared his throat.

"Uh, everythin' alright, doc?"

She seemed to snap out of it but was still staring at him, "Colonel, um, you're glowing."

"What?" John held his hand out in front of him and stared at it. Then he brought it closer. Then back away. He flipped his hand over to look at the palm. There was a slight bluish light emanating from his skin. It probably wouldn't be noticeable with the right lighting but it was definitely there.

"Huh, whatduya know?'

Keller stepped forward slowly, pulling a scanner out of her vest pocket.

"Just hold still for a moment, please, Colonel."

She waved the scanner around for a while, frowning.

"Nothing. Why don't you sit down over here."

She motioned to the table they'd been using for exams. John sighed but sat. He knew there was no getting out of an exam, not with is skin shining like he was still out under the moonlight. Keller waved her little flashlight in front of his eyes then reached out to take his pulse. The moment her thumb hit his wrist he felt like he'd been shocked again. The room went blurry and everything disappeared.

~*~

There was a muffled shout in the distance and he could feel something connecting with his cheek. The haze slowly fell way until he recognized the yelling voice as Rodney's, and it wasn't far away at all. A palm connected with his face again. John opened his eyes blurrily.

"Waa?"

"Oh, thank god, Jennifer! Just hold on a minute…"

John could make out Rodney's back as he turned away and leaned over someone else. Keller. Damn it. What happened? He wondered how long Rodney had been trying to wake them.

"John?" There was a slight slapping sound, then again, "John!"

"Mmm? What, McKay?" John mumbled. Then the body next to him stirred.

"Oh, Thank god, Sheppard."

"What?" Because John was really getting tired of Rodney calling him and not telling him why. Then he turned his head and froze. That's so not right. The person next to him had opened their eyes and was looking at him with the same expression he was sure he was wearing. Actually, he was more than sure. It was the same expression. It was the same face.

"Oh, thank god! What the hell happened! Do you have any idea how terrifying that was? Oh, no you don't! You aren't moving until Carson gets here and says its ok, and I don't care what you say about you being just as qualified."

John sighed but lay back down. He couldn't remember ever even thinking anything along those lines but he had bigger concerns right now.

"Um, McKay, you wanna tell me…" he brought a hand to his throat. That really didn't sound like his voice. He cleared his throat and tried again. "Why there are two of me?"

Rodney's eyes got wide, "Two? Oh, my god! It's worse than I thought!"

"Um, Rodney?" The other him cleared their throat just like he had, "relax, just let me look at…" He reached closer. Rodney half-heartedly tried to stop it but gave up after the other him said reassuringly, "It's ok, Rodney, I'm not moving much."

He peered closer as John backed away. The other him reached out to grab his wrist. John looked down. He stared. That wasn't his wrist, or his fingers. That wasn't his arm. But he could feel the fingers wrap around his wrist. Oh, god, John looked back into the other's eyes.

"This isn't good is it?"

Their eyes widened. They whispered, "Colonel?"

"No, I'm the toothfairy! Who do you think I am?" but then, "wait! Who _do_ you think I am?"

Rodney was watching their exchange with increasing terror, "Oh, my god! Who are you? What's going on here?"

The other him sat up shakily, "Relax, Rodney." He moved to cover Rodney's hands with his own, and, whoa, that was not cool in John's book. "It's just, I mean… I'm Jennifer."

Rodney pulled away suddenly, looking more confused and horrified than ever, but something just slid into place for John.

"Wait, you mean we…" He waved his hand around between them, "Shit. You gotta do something doc."

"Well, there's not much I can do just yet. We'll have to wait for Carson then we can try to figure out what might have caused this and what we can do to fix it."

Rodney moved closer. John could all but see the gears turning in his head. Rodney's eyes looked like they were about to pop out of his head.

"You mean, He was telling the truth? I mean, she, I mean, what do I mean? If you're Jennifer, then…" He turned to John almost shyly.

"Sheppard?"

"Yup."

"Oh, my god! This is like one of those bad science fiction movies! You _swapped_ bodies!!!"

Carson, of course, chose that moment to enter the hut, followed by a nurse and two marines.

"What's all this about, lad?" Carson asked calmly as he sat on his heels between John and Jennifer and brought out a penlight.

"Sheppard and Keller have swapped bodies! Carson, you have to do something! I can't live like this, I'm gonna have to start taking orders from Keller and… Oh, god! That's my girlfriend!" Rodney pointed to John's body. He looked frozen in shock. It hurt. Just a little. Not that John was going to admit it.

Carson's eyes were flicking between the two people before him. Keller, in John's body still looked a little shell shocked, and John was blocking all his panic, for the moment. Carson raised an eyebrow quizzically at Keller, "Colonel?"

"Over here, Doc."

Carson's head swung slowly between them for a moment. He sighed.

"Alright, then. Well, now, there's nothing more I can do here and you both seem to be in working condition. How's about we go home, eh?"

All three of them nodded wordlessly and started the trek back to the 'gate.

~*~

"Explain this one more time, people." Woolsey said, sternly cutting over Rodney's continued lamentations over the impact this could have over his life.

"I may have touched something that looked kinda ancient and gotten shocked while out on a stroll in the woods and when I came back Keller said I was glowing. So she did her thing but when she went to take my pulse I got shocked again and blacked out. When we woke up we were like this."

"Dr. Beckett?"

"I've done full body scans of both of them and they're in excellent condition, the same condition they were in last time they were scanned. The only thing that seems to 'ave changed is their brainwave patterns. As far as I can tell they've simply been switched. And without the ancient device I've no way of knowing what can be done to reverse the process."

Woolsey nodded, "Well, then, as soon as morning hits on that planet I'll send Rodney and Zelenka to try and retrieve the device, along with some marines, and no, neither of you are going off-world until this is cleared up. Colonel," and John could tell just how consciously he had to look at him and not his body, "do you think you can tell us where to find this ancient device?"

'Maybe', he thought to himself. But he wasn't the type of man to admit he was lost when he'd gotten away with it so far, "Sure, just let me draw a map or something."

John wandered over to Keller's desk, because it was closer than Carson's, and started putting down everything he could remember on a piece of paper.

After handing the map to Woolsey and waiting for him to leave Carson let them leave, too, with a warning to tell him the instant anything happened, of course. John waved him off and got the hell out of there.

He was relieved when the door to his quarters opened easily for him. He may not have his super-gene with this body but at least Atlantis seemed to recognize him no matter what form he took. It was comforting to know that at least someone wouldn't have to adjust to this. John closed his eyes and leaned back on the closed doors. Damn, ponytails were uncomfortable to lean back on. He knew what he would normally do after a long day off-world but there was no way he was taking a shower in this body. Not to mention it was now physically impossible for him to enjoy that shower the way he really wanted to. He cringed. No, it wouldn't do to be thinking like that. Instead he just pushed away all thought and flopped down on the bed face first ready to pass out and hope this day would be revealed as a very disturbing dream when he woke up.

~*~

John blearily opened his eyes. It took him a moment to realize what had woken him. He really needed to pee. He sighed but lifted himself off the bed and stumbled toward the bathroom with his eyes half closed. Without bothering to think the light on he reached down for his zipper. It was only when he realized that his fingers weren't finding anything to tug out of his boxers, and those weren't even boxers, that the events of the past day came back to him. John pulled his hand back out of his pants like something had scalded him. He thought the lights on and sat on the edge of the tub with his elbows on his knees.

Except they weren't his elbows or his knees. And that certainly wasn't his bladder. He felt trapped. He knew it had to be done but he felt kind of like a pervert even thinking about it. This wasn't like he'd simply been turned into a girl. That might be a little cool, for a while. But just knowing this body wasn't his, that it had an original owner, one that would be getting it back, made him nervous about how he treated this body. This was the body of his best friend's girlfriend and he wanted so badly to just give it back. God, it was starting to hurt, he really needed to pee.

Resolutely not thinking about what he was doing he yanked down his pants and backed toward the toilet. No problem. Just sit down. He knew that much. It was strange not having to worry about where his dick went but he shoved that thought aside. When he was seated he took a deep breath and tried to relax. Ok, not that hard.

John sat there for a few minutes after he'd finished. This would really be the hard part. He was fairly sure girls had to wipe now. Another deep breath and he began unrolling toilet paper. He took way more than he needed and wrapped his hand up in a many layered bandage. He didn't want to touch anything. He closed his eyes, faced the ceiling, and reached between his legs.

~*~

Needless to say, John didn't sleep too well that night. He lay awake for most of the early morning hours trying very hard to not think about anything at all. He would force himself to relax, stretched out so he was touching as little of himself, of Keller, as possible, but then, just as he'd gotten to sleep, he'd turn onto his side and wrap his arms around himself and a part of his mind would flail in retaliation. The resulting jump had almost sent him off his bed more than once. When it was time to get up to meet Ronon for their morning run John gratefully got out of bed.

He splashed some water on his face, resolutely not looking at his reflection in his bathroom mirror, and changed hastily, his eyes closed when possible, into his tightest workout clothes. They weren't small enough and he had to tie the waist as tight as it would go, all bunched up and kind of puffing out around his hips. Which he was not thinking about. The bra had been uncomfortable from the moment he realized it was there, when trying to relax as an attempt to fall asleep. It had made him more aware of the body. It may have had something to do with why relaxing hadn't helped him sleep.

Anyway: bra. He shrugged and twisted helplessly, trying to shift it into a more comfortable position after having twisted a bit overnight. When that did nothing he reached up under his armpits, shirt still on, and wiggled that strap a bit. That would have to do. He was not about to move her breasts around in the cups. The physical relief may be nice but it had nothing on the mental discomfort that would result. Then it was just a matter of donning his tightest tight black shirt, with his eyes firmly closed again. It was kind of big and baggy now but at least that meant the breasts weren't as noticeable, and then slid on the same shoes Keller had worn off world yesterday.

John couldn't remember ever having been so glad for the way Ronon just seemed to take everything in stride. He must have been made aware of the situation but he was still waiting there in their usual meeting place and only nodded to John before heading out on the run.

This was just what he needed. His strides were shorter, the boobs bounced, his ponytail swished a little and it took a few minutes before he got his balance coordinated well enough for these kinds of speeds but watching the sun rise over the pier while keeping pace with Ronon and letting his mind blank for a while was close enough to normal he finally felt like he could fake calm again for the rest of the day. They even got in the full five miles that he liked to do because, while Keller may not be in quite as good a shape as he was, he had to admit she had youth on her side and there was definitely possibility there.

John let Ronon lead the way to the mess, figuring he should suck it up and at least grab something. He made his way down the line, avoiding glances and some badly disguised stares. It was really very obvious which of the people here were in the know. John didn't stick around. He nodded good bye to Ronon and ate a breakfast sandwich on the way to the infirmary. Normally he would shower and change first but, face it, that was not happening today.

Keller and Carson were both in, working side by side in one of the medical labs off the infirmary. It was strange, seeing himself bent over a microscope, hard at work. Thinking. Not that he didn't think, he liked to think he thought a lot. But he didn't think like this, all theories and _sciencey_. He didn't think as a scientist. It really wasn't the same thing. His hands were taking notes in some short hand he didn't know how to read with chemical equations thrown in and processes outlined. It was disturbing.

He cleared his throat and asked, faux casually, if they had found anything. Keller looked like she'd been up for a while, maybe hadn't slept at all, but was still energetic and practically bouncing. His brain kept determinedly supplying 'I', 'I look tired', 'I look energetic', 'I look happy'. He wondered how long it had been since he'd smiled like that.

"Oh, this is just fascinating, Colonel, and it's only the preliminary results of some scans Zelenka was kind enough to send back two hours ago. The neural pathways we have are similar, of course, but unique and had to be overwritten by the machine to accommodate the new consciousness, truly fascinating."

Carson took this opportunity to cut in, well aware of John's philosophy on techno babble, "Rodney and Radek have been out for nearly five hours, we're hoping they send us more soon, but so far, as fascinating as this is, we haven't found anything useful yet. Sorry, lad."

John nodded, "So, ah, still no idea when I get my body back, then."

"Ah, no. Why don't you go back to sleep, get some much needed rest, Colonel. Maybe," Carson's eyes lingered on the sweat spots, "take a shower."

Right. He didn't look very _ladylike_. But a shower? No, so not ready for that.

The horror must have shown because Keller moved closer to pull him into a more private room, she only paused a moment before wrapping her, 'my' his brain supplied helpfully, hand around his, 'her!', arm. He looked up, really noticing for the first time just how short and small this body was. When he had been running with Ronon he was small, too, of course, but he was used to being smaller than Ronon. Now Keller, in his body, was having no trouble dragging him around and he couldn't remember ever feeling more vulnerable, more weak. He was well aware that if he and Keller were in their correct bodies getting her to move where he wanted like this wouldn't have merited a first thought, much less a second, but being on the other side? He didn't like it at all.

"Was that really necessary, Doctor?"

"Colonel," She sighed, "Sheppard, I know this is hard for you, it's not fun for me either, but you are going to have to shower, and change. All the way. I can stop by later with a few sets of clothes and stuff."

John flushed but stammered out, "I, ah, was hoping Rodney and, you know, everyone, would be able to fix this soon."

"Soon, maybe, but not soon enough."

"I, ah, I mean, look, why aren't you freaking about this?" He yelled. She should be the one person who understood what he was going through, right?

Keller sighed and looked away, "I just, I guess I'm just not as afraid of touching you as you are of me, and it's not like this is permanent."

John tried very hard not continue this conversation, he had already decided he really didn't want to know, but, "touching me?" he squeaked.

Keller flapped one hand, John wondered if he talked with his hands at all, "well, you are in here at least once a week and touching people is kind of my thing. I haven't showered yet, if you're worried, I just haven't had the time. Then again, I didn't go running."

John gulped, "but you do plan on… you know."

"Changing, bathing, being naked in your body?"

John winced.

"Yes, I was planning on it. But, I mean, if it really bothers you that much I'm sure we can reach some kind of agreement. Is that it? Or, do you, I don't know, do you," Keller huffed a small laugh, "do you need my permission?"

It sounded kind of perverse when put like that but that was kind of the thing. Exactly what he'd been worried about all night. He didn't want to touch anything or do anything without her knowing what was happening to her body. It was hers after all. He hadn't realized just what it was until now, or that maybe he'd been expecting her to feel the same way about his. Thinking about it, though, she did have a point about the doctor thing. He'd been in the infirmary, unconscious, for days before. Someone had to have taken care of his needs. He knew he'd had catheters and needed sponge baths before, he just never really thought about what that completely entailed, just that he'd been taken care of. It made him uncomfortable to think about it now but it did make sense that in the case of his not being in control of his own body Keller would have no problem assuming responsibility for things like bathing.

He stood there blinking stupidly at her for a moment before she spoke again, "you have it. Really, Colonel, take a shower, change, fondle my breasts if you want," John blanched, she laughed, "they're yours. Really. I think this will be kind of cool, after you get over some of the identity crisis, and it's not going to last forever. We get to live on the other side for a while," she was actually smiling, it made him nervous, "so we might as well enjoy it. Now, um, do you think, are you comfortable with me doing the same?"

John blinked a few times. If he was going to be honest, no, no he was not _comfortable_ with it but it's not like he can say that after what she'd just given him. Even if he has no intention of following through with her offer. And it wasn't like he was actually going to know what she did exactly, right? Comfortable, maybe not, but he could accept it. He nodded once.

~*~

John returned to his room just long enough to change back into Keller's uniform pants. He didn't feel like being alone with this right now and, while he was relaxing into this slightly, he still was definitely not ready to get naked. At least one good thing had come from his conversation with Keller, though, and he didn't have to wonder about how violated she might feel just because he needed to use the bathroom. John didn't even close his eyes when he changed this time, thought the temptation was still there.

He left his quarters and wandered to his office. Lorne occupied the office next to him and as he passed Lorne got up and followed him. He let John sit behind his desk before nervously closing the door and taking a seat opposite.

"Sir."

John sighed, "Major?"

"You're not planning on stepping down for this, sir?"

John sat up straight and glared at Lorne, "I can still do my job, Major," he was ignoring the part of himself that questioned whether he would believe that from anybody else. He'd never had a problem with female COs and he wasn't about to start questioning them now that he was one, at least physically, for a while.

Lorne raised his hands placating, "of course, sir, I just think it would be a good idea to make it official. So everyone knows who's giving them orders. The men aren't likely to respond well if they think one of the CMOs is trying to run the training ops, sir."

John was pretty sure most people knew by now but he had to concede that Lorne did have a point, without confirmation a rumor was just that and his men would definitely be confused. Knowing it was him inside this body, him giving the orders, would make it easier on everyone. Neither of them voiced the concern that some of the men might have had a problem following his orders without knowing he, operative pronoun, was giving those orders. He sighed, not only was he now a woman, the whole base was going to know. His day just kept getting better.

"Of course, Major, I'm still not over the shock of this myself. Will a memo be alright or would you prefer to gather the troops and parade me around in front of them."

Lorne just smirked at his CO's mood, "I think a memo will work, I'll get right on that."

"Very well, dismissed."

"Yes, sir."

Lorne rose to leave but turned back at the door, "permission to speak, sir?"

John grimaced but waved his ok.

"Are you dealing with this alright, I mean, ah, should I worry or anything?"

John slumped, "I'll be ok. Just a lot to get used to, you know? And it's not like its permanent."

Lorne nodded nervously, "alright. Just, if you need anything, ah, well, you know where to find me."

John nodded again, head down and not looking at the Major, listening to the door close.

~*~

John had four fallback activities when he was bored or upset or just needed a distraction. He would run, get in some target practice, hang out with Rodney, or, well, there was always his right hand. He may be getting to the point were changing wouldn't put him in therapy but he wasn't close to ok with thinking about that last one. His run this morning was just what he needed at the time but he'd kind of forgotten that not everyone was conditioned to run like that. And with Ronon of all people. Even in his own body he'd allowed a month before he worked himself up to the pace Ronon liked to set. Keller was fit but she wasn't military and she definitely was not a trained runner. He was already starting to feel what would no doubt be some impressively sore muscles tomorrow. Target practice would be nice. But he'd had to oversee her civilian firearms training and knew that, while she could handle a gun quite well, she just wasn't up to more than a few minutes of the recoil on P-90s and the like. He knew she'd had bruises. Again, fit, but she didn't use the same muscle groups the same way that he did and he was already feeling bad about stressing her body this morning. John knew he had some kind of permission to treat this body as his own but he didn't want to hand her back a battered body. Which left Rodney. Who should be back any time now but there was no telling how he'd react to John like this. What if he was still too freaked out to talk to John? He didn't want to push it.

John wandered slowly, avoiding people as much as was possible and stopping occasionally to stretch his sore muscles, letting the day catch up to him, draining the energy from him. Late afternoon found him back at his quarters physically and emotionally exhausted. He slumped onto his bed, spread eagled, and let himself drift.

~*~

It was dark when he woke and it took him a moment to recognize the door chime before he got up and mentally opened the doors. He was rather taken aback to find Zelenka on the other side.

"Ah, what's up doc?"

Zelenka tilted his head and raised an eyebrow, John waved it away and moved aside so he could come in.

"Rodney has sent me to give you report," He said as he handed over a tablet. John took it, sitting on his bed and scrolling through. He looked up when Zelenka turned to leave again.

"So, he's not talking to me then?"

"Is taking time, I think."

John smirked humorously, he wondered if he pulled it off as well with Keller's face as he did with his own, "you seem to be doing ok so far."

"Ah, well, I have not seen you naked."

John choked, eyes going wide, "huh?"

"Keller is Rodney's girlfriend, yes? They have been intimate, yes? You are his best friend. You now have her body. Probably is trying to, ah, reconcile physical and emotional intimacy for you both."

John just gaped for a moment then he slowly drawled, "and that's why you're ok with me like this."

Zelenka shrugged, "is not so strange. I see Doctor Keller, I speak to Colonel Sheppard. Is like eating at same table but talking on headset."

John didn't know Zelenka too well but he knew this was one of the things he liked about the man. He and Rodney always seemed like they were on the same wavelengths but where Rodney thought in long loopy spirals of cascading proofs Zelenka could take in a situation, see it clearly, and make leaps that never would have occurred to anyone else but somehow looked so simple once you saw it. He was a lot like Ronon. If Ronon were a short, wispy haired man that cursed in Czech.

"Huh, well, thank you."

"Of course, Colonel, I will let you get back to sleep now."

He hesitated then blurted out, "call me John."

Zelenka studied him for a moment then smiled, "then I must insist you call me Radek."

John smiled in return and nodded.

"Good night, John."

"Bye, Radek"


	2. Chapter 2

**Part 2**

He really had gone to bed after reading the report last night, which told him nothing really, but after a five hour nap he could only sleep so much longer. It was still longer than he'd have expected, though, and the first rays of dawn were just making their way into his room. John didn't have anything to do for a while and didn't particularly feel like looking for something to do. He stayed there lying on his bed floating on the verge of wakefulness and letting his mind catch up on everything it hadn't had time to process the day before.

He didn't move when the door chimed, just letting Atlantis know it was alright to let them in. Keller entered, pursing her lips as she took in his appearance. She sighed, dropping the bag she was carrying onto the desk and moved over to sit on the foot of John's bed. He watched as she took several deep breaths.

John took in the tension around his own eyes, the hunch of his shoulders, and the pale flush that he knew meant she'd been working too hard on too little sleep. He felt a surge of guilt. They were both dealing with the same difficult situation but he'd been so caught up in his own trauma that he hadn't considered that at least he'd gotten sleep. He'd been able to attempt some semblance of normality, running with Ronon, puttering around his office, even seeing Lorne. Sure, they'd all been hard for him but it was something. Keller had spent close to thirty six hours now bent over a lab bench actually doing something about this while he'd been sulking. John wondered how often he looked like this. Harried and exhausted. Probably too often. He sat up and hesitantly put a hand on his own shoulder. It would never not be weird but he had other concerns right now. Despite this thing with Rodney he actually did kind of like Keller, respected her at least, so he patted her shoulder awkwardly and tried to find something to say.

Turns out he didn't have to. Keller took a deep breath, "I meant what I said. This is an amazing opportunity." John made a supportive sound, unsure how to respond. "I kept hitting my head on the shelves, tripping over my feet, you have unnaturally long feet but the way, your marines look at me like it was my fault. Like they think I got the better end of the deal. Rodney got back last night. I made him take a sedative around midnight, he should be out for a few more hours," She gave a shuddering breath, "he won't even look at me. Everyone is so afraid to get close but Rodney," Her voice broke, "it's Rodney, you know?" God, he really did. "I just wanted him to hold me, something, anything."

John hadn't really noticed any reluctance to touch from others, but then his default setting included an unnaturally large and strong personal bubble. He rarely wanted, much less needed, someone to touch him but he knew most people didn't live like that. Keller was a very tactile person and he guessed that she wanted comfort the same way he wanted to be able to do something useful. Comfort meant contact. He tried to put himself in her shoes. Bad word choice. What if he needed comfort and his boyfriend couldn't even maintain eye contact?

At least this was his own body. Nothing unfamiliar here.

John leaned closer and slid his arm around her shoulders. She folded her, now much larger, body close to his chest. Weird, but he couldn't blame her for feeling like this, so he raised his other hand in an approximation of a hug, letting her take all the touch she needed.

Maybe fifteen minutes later she pulled back, eyes red but without any tear streaks. He was absurdly thankful for not having to see himself cry.

"Sorry, I just…"

"It's ok," he cut in, "really, don't mention it."

She nodded and stood up, "ok, enough of this, you're taking a shower."

"What?"

"C'mon, up. I took one yesterday but didn't have all the right things and had to put on these clothes again afterward so I'd like to take one once you're done then I can borrow some clothes. Maybe shave. Definitely shave. How do you live with this thing growing on your face? I have a few changes of clothes and various toiletries and shower things for you. No more excuses."

John tensed but he couldn't pretend he didn't need it. He reasoned that at least it wouldn't be anything he'd never seen before, and there was no chance of developing an unsafe attachment to naked Keller. John let her drag him to his bathroom. She unloaded some of the bag; shampoo, conditioner, body wash, one of those puffy things, shaving cream, and a razor, onto one of the ledges.

"I understand if you're not comfortable with the razor yet, or if you never get comfortable with it, like I said, not my body right now, what do I care if you go around with hairy legs, but I thought it might be good to have around eventually."

John could only nod stupidly, shaving his legs?

She turned to him expectantly.

He stared at her.

"It might help if you got undressed."

"Oh," yes, ok, showers did tend to be easier without clothing getting in the way.

"I can step out if that would be easier," and Keller walked just out of the room, leaving the door open a crack. John sighed and resolutely set about removing what he was wearing. Every new bit of skin made him more self conscious. It wasn't his body, he had nothing to be embarrassed about. He was down to panties and bra, trying not to look down at himself or up into the mirror while squirming to reach the clasp at the back. He'd removed bras before but it'd been a while and _never_ from this position. He tugged a few times, trying different angles, before he pushed them together and got one to come undone. From there it was just a matter of pushing the ends together again, at the right angle of course, and the bra came loose.

Another fortifying breath, not looking, and he let the bra slip off his arms onto the floor. Thumbs hooked under the elastic of the simple cotton panties and those were torn off as well, like a band-aid.

With a mental command to turn on the hot water he stepped into the shower and let the water stream over him for a few moments before reaching for the shampoo. John figured she had a good ten times the hair he did so he used ten times more shampoo. Some fell off in a big globule before he could get it to her head. Then he started running his fingers from the scalp to the tips but he kept twisting his arms weird so he tried bringing it all over a shoulder, ignoring the breast there, but his fingers kept getting caught. He was getting irritated with this, washing hair should never be this complicated. When he gave a particularly vicious tug he winced and hissed.

Keller must have heard him because she called, "everything alright in there?"

"Fuck! This hair is stupid."

The next thing he knew the shower door was open again and Keller stepped in. Naked. Sure it was his body but that didn't mean he was prepared to see it like this. He reflexively moved to cover himself, stopping just short of putting his hands over her crotch.

"Ah, what are you doing?"

"Turn around. I'm going to wash your hair. My hair. Since it seems it's giving you such a hard time."

"You're not wearing any clothes."

She giggled, "feeling particularly intelligent today? No, I'm not. You see, it makes being wet so much easier if you don't have to bother with the soaking clothes later." And she pushed him around and started working hands though his hair. Her hair. It kind of felt good when it wasn't being pulled out.

"When it gets like this you have to start at the bottom and work your way up to the roots," She said as she kneaded his scalp.

"Ok, turn around again so you can rinse."

He obeyed, reaching up to push the water away from his face. When he was done she gestured for them to switch places saying, "I trust you can manage conditioner on your own?"

John kind of glowered at her but moved, letting her take his place under the spray. He worked the conditioner in as he watched her shampoo and condition quickly. She grabbed the puffy thing and poured some body wash on it then handed it to him. He stared at it for a moment before looking up again.

"C'mon, it's not gonna bite."

He started lightly rubbing circles on his stomach, then moved up to her chest, and arms. It wasn't so bad. He skipped the waist area and went straight to her legs. They were rough and he realized she probably would have shaved now. He may be in a woman's body and he may _have_ to wear a bra but that wasn't quite the same as _choosing_ to shave his legs. He rose back to the only part not covered in suds and looked at her uneasily.

"Just be gentle and don't try to push in, that stuff takes care of itself."

Blushing, he swiped the puffy thing gently across his front and between his legs, being very careful not to push. Or to touch directly. He was pretty sure he could handle doing the touching but he wasn't sure he was prepared to feel the touching, feel fingers down there as a woman, even if it wasn't sexual.

When he finished she held out her hand for the puffy thing and gestured for them to switch again. He rinsed off while she washed. It was hard to tell when all the conditioner was out of the hair but when he felt satisfied he moved to let her have the stream again and stepped out of the shower.

"Clothes are in the bag," she reminded him.

He nodded, even though she couldn't see it, and toweled off quickly. The bag was on the counter and he reached in to pull out a couple of uniform pants, shirts, a handful of panties, a bra, socks, hair brush and bands, blow drier, deodorant, basic makeup, and…

He shoved the bag away abruptly. No way. He was not thinking about that now.

He pulled on a pair of panties and picked up the bra. He tried sliding it over his arms the same way he took it off but couldn't get it to snap, then he tried snapping it and pulling it over his head like a shirt but it got really twisted. The fabric was starting to catch on the damp skin in the wake of droplets that his hair was still letting out. He tried wringing his hair again. He heard a laugh.

Keller was wrapping a towel around her waist and looking amused.

"Here, let me help."

First she took the towel from him and had him lean forward, then she managed some complex twisty thing he probably should have been following but only got some of it and when he straightened he had a towel turban on his head. He reached up to feel it.

"Pretty cool, huh."

Well it did keep the hair from drenching him so, yeah, maybe a little cool.

Then she moved behind him to work at the bra. She unclipped it from where it was tangled behind his back then wrapped her arms around him and clipped it in the front.

"It basically goes on backwards and upside down so when you spin it around," she demonstrated, "you can just flip it up and slide your arms through, simple enough."

He stayed very still when her hand 'his' cupped his 'her!' breast and adjusted it in the cup.

"There, all better now."

He just nodded and proceeded to dress. When he looked back up she was still in just a towel, looking at him.

He cleared his throat, "thanks."

She nodded, "would you mind showing me how to shave, this is getting unmanageable."

He chuckled and reached for his kit.

~*~

When they were both appropriately groomed John found a few changes of clothes and put them in a bag with his shaving kit and deodorant. He set it by the door so she could grab it on her way out then she sat down next to him on the bed, holding the bag she'd brought.

"I know this is going to be difficult and, yes, this is more maintenance than you're used to but it's necessary."

She pulled out a small packet and opened it to show him four rows of pills, "you need to take one of these with dinner every day, ok. I know you're not comfortable with sexual activity but a break in the cycle would take me six months for the protection to build back up and I already missed last night. In fact you should take one now to decrease the damage to the cycle," she broke one free of the packaging and handed it to him.

John looked at the tiny round pink pill and manfully swallowed it, along with all its implications. She was right, he wasn't comfortable with thinking about it.

"Plus, this way you won't get caught by surprise. There's another two weeks left before you should expect my period but I gave you some products anyway, just in case."

He knew she must be able to see it in his eyes, the panic, terror, uncertainty. She patted his knee reassuringly, "c'mon, John, it's not like you've never gone through this with a woman."

He blanched, just a bit.

She continued, "my brother grew up in a house with two older sisters and before he even had a girlfriend none of this stuff fazed him. Even men without female influences get used to it. I realize it's a bit different this time but it's really not that big of a deal."

He still couldn't respond.

"I thought you were married?"

He nodded, "more a convenience than anything, we never spent time together or anything."

"Oh. I'm sorry. But you have been in long term relationships before?"

She must have seen something in his face because she became serious in an instant.

"You've never been in a real relationship?"

Again, she must have seen something in his face because she went on, "you have. But it couldn't have been…" she paused, assessing him then whispered, "with a woman."

It wasn't question.

He closed his eyes and waited for it. Whatever it would be this time. Anger, fear, hatred, excitement, contempt. He wasn't dangerous and he wasn't up for adoption as someone's token gay friend.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know. I won't tell," she said softly.

He opened his eyes again. She looked sad, like she was trying to sympathize, but otherwise accepting. He didn't like pity either, but it was a better reaction than he expected so he just nodded and thanked her.

She made her excuses and left shortly thereafter. John curled back on the bed and marveled at what his life had become.

~*~

The rest of the day was disturbingly normal. He skipped running but spent the morning catching up on paperwork, like he usually did. And, yes, he did actually do paperwork. He had a working lunch with Lorne but Teyla stopped by and they just ended up laughing. He spent the afternoon overseeing a training exercise then went to a meeting with Woolsey to rearrange the schedule and prioritize missions and trading deals. He made a point not to harass Carson and Keller, though maybe she should be Jennifer after this morning and all, and only ducked into the infirmary twice. She never said a word about her little revelation that morning and he was relieved that at least she was keeping her word and not letting it interfere with their relationship, whatever that might be at this point.

It was starting to get late, normally now would be the time he sought out Rodney and made him eat, maybe suggested a movie if he didn't already have plans with Keller. Jennifer. Whatever, not the point. John was still not sure Rodney would respond well to his presence but he stomped down on his insecurities and decided that if he could get through this Rodney was just going to have to suck it up. So he made his way down to the labs.

John stopped once to check the progress of some equations he'd been helping Miko with. She was happy to see him, it was possibly the first smile he'd gotten from someone seeing him as Keller for the first time. A few minutes passed before he realized why. Miko, and probably most of the female and scientist population by default, no longer saw him as an 'other', someone to be friendly with but still to keep a certain emotional distance. He hadn't really ever thought about those boundaries people put up when they were around him, only what he put up when around people. With Keller's body he wasn't a threat, as a man or as military. As odd as it was to be reacted to because of an outward appearance that didn't reflect himself it was strangely nice not to be seen for the same boundaries he used every day to keep people away.

Then again, maybe it wasn't a good thing because he really wasn't going to respond to that comment. She blushed, "sorry, I forget. No. That is not right, I didn't forget, I just," she winced, "without the physical reminder it is hard to always remember."

John nodded, he kind of got that, "its ok. Um, I should get going, need to make sure Rodney eats today. See you."

When he entered Rodney's lab Radek looked up and smiled but Rodney's eyes never moved from the double set of screens he was watching and his hands never faltered on the keyboards. At least that much was normal. He walked up behind him and said hello.

Rodney smiled, a fake smile, John knew, that was meant to seem polite, "just a minute, dear," then his eyes got really big and he whipped his head around, mouth moving like a fish.

"I didn't, I mean, it's just that you sounded like Jennifer. Well, obviously you did because you have her vocal cords but I wasn't really thinking about anything more than that it sounded like Keller. I didn't mean to call you dear. Not that you aren't. Dear to me that is. But not…"

John cut him off, "Rodney, its ok. I get it. You just reacted without putting it into context," looks like Miko wasn't the only one having trouble without physical reminders.

"Why don't you take a break and we can grab something to eat?"

"What? Really, you still want to? Maybe I should stay here, don't you want me to fix this faster?"

"Of course I want this fixed, Rodney, but if you don't take a break you'll start making mistakes and I don't want that. Besides, it's not like its life threatening, a few hours isn't gonna kill me."

"Oh, um, ok."

"Great."

After a couple false starts where Rodney would accidentally fall into the habits he had around Keller or unconsciously reach out to hold hands, and it killed John every time Rodney pulled away like he'd been scalded, they fell into something mostly comfortable. They snarked, Ronon and Teyla rolled their eyes at them, and Rodney even stole John's pudding cup.

When they rounded the corner so John could drop Rodney off at his room John faltered. Jennifer was waiting nervously at Rodney's door.

She chewed her lip for a moment, then said, "can I talk to you, Rodney?"

Rodney had halted next to John. He gulped nervously, eyes darting for a moment before they settled on Keller, "y-yeah, sure. Uh, good night John."

John nodded, watching them disappear into Rodney's room. He didn't want to think about what might or might not be happening.

~*~

Over the next few days John tried not to think about how his life hadn't really changed all that much. Most people got over their initial reactions, around here you had to adapt quickly, and he was slightly disturbed by how not disturbing he found this.

He exercised a little less and a little differently but he still sparred with Teyla and ran, a bit, with Ronon. His appetite was slightly less but he found he liked salt and sweets a bit more but, really, his diet didn't change. A few mornings of knots in his hair and one unfortunate event where some of the hair got pulled the wrong way into the blowdryer and his quarters smelled like burning hair for the rest of the day but he quickly figured out how to do that twisty thing she did and how to put it up in a bun or ponytail and how to wash it without twisting his arm or knotting it. He could put on a bra with no trouble, didn't worry about wedgies with the little panties she gave him, and got used to having to stand on a stool to reach the top shelf in his office.

Teyla and Ronon had taken this like any other oddity of their lives in Pegasus, they'd been here much longer than the rest of them after all. Radek was a godsend, running interference in those first days when John was still having trouble adjusting, eating together occasionally, and, John was sure, talking Rodney into being more civil about everything. Woolsey hid his continued shock at this galaxy by being diplomatic and uptight. Lorne was supportive. Lorne was always supportive, he was a good second in command and John was lucky to have him. Carson was a little over sympathetic but John couldn't tell if that was because he couldn't wrap his mind around the horrors of being stuck in a female body, being stuck in _Keller's_ body, supposed emotional turmoil, or if it was just Carson's normal over sympathetic doctor persona. Heightmeyer must have decided he was coping alright because she wasn't asking him to talk about it every session.

Rodney, well, he seemed to be coping pretty well, too, but John knew Rodney better than that. Sometimes Rodney would stop himself in the middle of a rant like he just realized what he was saying. John knew Rodney wouldn't have done that with him before but when he would ask what was wrong Rodney would just shrug it off. John didn't like that Rodney was censoring himself. It was happening less often but whenever Rodney was comfortable, let his guard down and his mind wander, he would still reach out for John. The last time this happened John hadn't even realized they had been holding hands in the middle of the mess until Radek cleared his throat and Rodney pulled his hand away sharply and apologized profusely. There had also been a few incidents with Rodney's arms and John's shoulders during movie nights and one heart pounding moment when Rodney had dropped John off at his quarters after dinner, leaned forward, and almost kissed him before he retreated, horrified. John knew Rodney didn't like him like that, he didn't seem to like men like that at all, but the horror in Rodney's eyes every time he did anything that could be seen as more than platonic was like a stab in the gut.

Jennifer continued to help him occasionally and they were probably on the best terms they had ever been on. She was starting to see more of Rodney again, which was good. Because Rodney liked Jennifer and whose body she was in shouldn't matter because she made him happy. John kept telling himself this every time he saw them together and every time he would get a whiff of the rumors about them, whether they had started sleeping together again and what they had been overheard fighting about and where he stood in this sick triangle. But those rumors where almost the same ones that had been around before so John resolutely tuned them out.

~*~

The one thing that still made him really wary were the slowly disappearing little pink pills. Every day had been one day closer to the end of those and the beginning of the white ones. He suspected when that happened he would be in for another bout of freak outs. He was tense and agitated the last two days on the pink pills but he attributed this to his fear of the coming week rather than think those three scary letters. Rodney looked ready to ask him about it once but the glare John sent him shut him up. In fact, when he got snappy, most of the men he interacted with backed down instantly, usually accompanied by 'talk down the crazy person' gestures. It only made him madder, livid at times.

Keller stopped by that last night and made sure he understood the difference between pads and tampons but thankfully didn't get too graphic. He avoided eye contact and hustled her out as soon as the tutorial was over.

As terrifying as wearing a pad was, he hadn't even been able to consider a tampon, the chance of getting caught without one when he needed it was worse. John didn't really know what to expect, if he'd known it would someday apply to him he'd have paid more attention in sex ed class way back in high school, so he just started wearing one right away the next morning.

Two days later, after lunch, his stomach started hurting. He ran back to his quarters and sat on the toilet, pulling his pants and panties down to swipe lightly across his entrance. He wished he remembered what it was really called so he could think of it clinically instead of in romance novel terms, but that was all he had and this was not something he was asking Jennifer. There was nothing. No blood and not the regular stuff that came out of there, he hadn't experimented sexually but he'd gotten used to what was normal. Maybe it was a false alarm. The anticipation was freaking him out and he just wanted it to be done with.

He couldn't focus the rest of the day and had no appetite during dinner. His mind was a haze of 'Oh My God' and 'Calm down, you know this is normal' and 'Why me?' Keller had, thankfully, not said the words he knew most women would have been thinking, 'women have been dealing with this for thousands of years, suck it up.'

Of course, that was the kicker, regardless of whose body he was in he was not a woman and he had no idea how to deal with this.

His next trip to the bathroom the toilet paper came away with a watery red streak. He stopped breathing for a moment, his mind screaming, 'this is not normal,' before he continued and pulled up his panties, making sure the pad was in place.

The thing was, when John saw blood it meant someone was in trouble. It meant pain and doctors and death and letters to family members and his heart wouldn't stop pounding. It wasn't much now but soon there would be a lot more. He was bleeding and there was nothing wrong and he didn't know how to process that. He didn't know how women managed to become doctors and nurses and military. Not because he somehow didn't think they should or could handle it, but because when you saw blood in situations of life and death, as a symbol of loss, how could anyone look at it coming out of themselves and not hate it? How did those women manage to reconcile _normal/healthy/good_ and _pain/loss/death_?

He took some aspirin for the ache that wasn't leaving the pit of his stomach and went to bed early, not ready to delve deeper into what all this meant to him.

~*~

Upon waking the next morning his first coherent thought was, 'oh god, it feels wet down there.' He jumped up and ran to the bathroom thinking with all the wetness the pad couldn't be holding. His folds slid together disturbingly between his legs as he moved.

He pulled down his panties and sat down in one movement then looked at the pad that was resting on his underwear, between his knees. He couldn't look away from the large red blot. His stomach gave a sharp twinge, it may have been his uterus or just nerves, he wasn't sure.

He couldn't do this.

John hung his head, noticed how that moved him closer to the pool of his own blood and leaned back again, but not before he caught the smell. It was musky and a bit sharp, something like how he remembered women smelling from when he still tried to do that, but there was also the thick smell of slightly stale blood. It made his stomach churn even more. The last time he'd smelled that the team had been hours too late to save a village from a raid. It hadn't even been wraith, it was humans, a group of vagrants that had probably been on the run themselves but rather than beg or work for food they invaded the village, ran off those they could and killed the others.

John shook his head. He was not going to have a flashback because of something so normal. He told himself again that he was fine.

A few deep breaths and he cleaned himself up. It was wet and slick and stuck to his pubic hair so he ended up with specks on his hands when he got too close but he breathed through it. He went to get another pair of panties and a pad so he'd have something for when he was out of the shower.

The water ran pink for a moment and in streaks when he washed off down there. It was disturbingly similar to when he'd clean off after getting blood stuck on himself during a mission.

~*~

That morning John sought out Jennifer for the first time. He found her at a table in the mess, talking and laughing with a few girls he knew she had poker nights with.

"John, sit down?"

He took the seat next to her, leaning closer to talk quietly, "can I talk to you?"

She shot him a calculating look, he knew he didn't usually want to talk but he needed some answers. She nodded, "here, or…?"

"Can we go to your quarters?"

She nodded, said her goodbyes, and led him away. When they got to her room he curled up in a corner on the bed, she sprawled out across the other half.

"I need to know how you handle it."

Her eyes shot to him, searching, "is everything ok? It shouldn't be too hard to handle, the pill usually makes the cramps manageable but if they're bad I can give you some pain killers."

He shook his head, "the blood."

"Are the pads not working out, did you try the tampons? I can find you another style."

He shook his head again and turned away, when he spoke again it was barely a whisper but her attention was riveted, "two months ago, on a mission, we got to a village. There was blood everywhere. Humans did it, no Wraith. They raided the place. Killed everyone still around and left the mess."

She whispered, "I'm sorry," but it was obvious she still didn't get it.

"The smell. It's in there, a little bit. I can smell it, coppery, and it sends me back there, to every massacre, ever time I've seen someone bleed out." He took a deep breath, "you've seen death, too. How do you not hate it every time you see or smell it?"

When he looked up her mouth was open. She closed it, gulped, then started, "um, I ah, I guess it never occurred to me like that, I mean, it's not a lot of blood. There's no loss either, just a sloughing off of a build-up. You know you're not actually bleeding out, right, it's not like it's a cut."

"I know. I guess," he sighed, rubbing his face, "I'm supposed to do something. When people start bleeding I'm supposed to save them. When I bleed it's because I didn't do my job well enough. I just. I can't do anything. I shouldn't do anything. Because there's nothing wrong."

She moved closer, her hand settled on his shoulder. They both touched each other more than they used to, mostly because they needed to feel that their real bodies were still there, so this didn't bother John.

"John. Look at me. It means you're alive. It's a good thing. You'll be around after it stops. You'll survive this."

He nodded, trusting her in this, she's the one who did this on a regular basis.

"Maybe you should mention this to Kate next time you see her."

He gave her a pained look.

"Really, John, please. She might be able to help. She goes through this, too. Every woman out there goes through this every month. And we all survive, John. You don't need to save anyone and you didn't fail. Ok?"

He nodded. Hearing it from her, from someone who knew what was going on, made it more real, more acceptable. He might still bring it up with Heightmeyer, though.

"Thanks," he said as he got up.

"Of course, John. Are you gonna be ok with this now."

"I'll be better."

She still looked unconvinced but nodded, "alright. See you."

He nodded again and left.

John went about the rest of his day, trying for as normal as possible. He did pretty well, all things considered. He did run to the bathroom more often because the wetness got weird but he managed not to have another freak out. If he went through everything clinically he could distance himself enough not to take it personally.

He still brought it up to Heightmeyer when he saw her the next day.

~*~

"Really?"

"Yes, yes, now get out of here. If I don't get this done tonight you won't be getting your body back tomorrow after all and I can't work with you here distracting me."

John smirked and leaned in a bit, "distracting you?"

Rodney's mouth snapped shut and he tried to cover the blush by glaring and waving John away, "go, go on, I mean it, I have to work."

John sighed as he left the lab. He shouldn't have done that, flirted with Rodney, but it was what he always did. He'd just never had to worry about getting found out before because Rodney hardly knew when women were flirting so John was quite sure men never registered. For the past weeks John had been trying very hard to act normal without accidentally hitting on Rodney because that would cause too many complications.

John smiled then, like it hadn't really caught up to him yet, he was getting his body back! No more bras and long hair and short legs. No more looking up when his men reported. No more midnight cravings for extra salty French fries like he'd had to deal with last week, speaking of which, no more periods! He never thought he'd say something like this but he just wasn't strong enough to take another one.

He'd never considered what menstruation meant beyond the basic stuff they taught you in sex ed, mostly because he hadn't known many women whose periods, or other habits, he thought affected him in any way.

He'd thought wrong, dealing with all those things he never wanted to deal with again was a huge part of just being a woman, whether it's conscious or not, and he kind of felt like not knowing some of the things that were so normal and every day for them meant he didn't know the women in his life all that well. And regardless of his sexuality he did like to get to know the women in his life.

He was realizing he didn't know some of his best friends as well as he thought he did and it made him feel a bit cheated, and a little like a bastard. The way chocolate was worth more on the black market when trading with most women suddenly wasn't just a quirk to use to his advantage. The little brown paper bags women sometimes left the infirmary with weren't just ignored anymore. The way it took Cadman two minutes longer to get out of the locker room after a mission wasn't something to roll his eyes at and laugh along at the joke about women in the bathroom. How Miko snacked constantly on chips and pretzels for a few days every now and then, once a month he figured now that he thought about it. Elizabeth. Well, this only made him more in awe of her. And Teyla had had a child and he'd said no when she asked if he wanted to feel the baby kicking. He really regretted that now, not participating in such a huge part of one of his best friend's, family really, life.

But, as much as his respect for all the strong women he knew had grown and as much as it made him feel a little weak for not being able to deal with it, he was so beyond relieved to be going back to being male. He wondered if this was what it would be like to be transgender. He'd known a few but the idea of not being at home in his own body had always been foreign to him. He'd known before, of course, that just because he was gay didn't mean he had any desire to put on a dress or wear make-up so the idea of separating sex or gender from sexuality was nothing new but were there women, females, who felt like he did now? Like no matter how many times they went through all the routines it would never be routine. And if they decided they didn't fit into the category of woman, her, she, then was she a man, a he, him? He was female but he wasn't a woman, and he was a man who was gay but didn't want to be female. The distinction between sex, gender, and sexuality had never been so clear to him.

His smile faltered. He'd learned from this. All this, about women and his relationship to them. He'd grown as a person. It was so fucking cliché. He rolled his eyes at himself. The Pegasus galaxy: one cliché after another, and he was stuck in the middle again.

Walking into the infirmary he fought to keep his face impassive and leaned on the wall next to where Keller had her eyes glued to a microscope.

"Guess what?" He asked childishly.

She looked up.

He let his face transform into a smile that practically glowed and sing songed, "we're gettin' our bodies back."

"Really?" She stood up, beaming. He nodded.

Keller flung herself at him and hugged him, bouncing a bit with excitement. He found himself swept up in it, faces beaming and unable to hold still. He was doing the girly bouncy hug thing. John winced and schooled is face a bit, pulling away.

"Rodney says they'll be ready tomorrow."

"Great, awesome, oh, I can't wait. Not that you're body's not nice enough but, god, I really can't wait."

He smiled and nodded, "I know exactly what you mean."

~*~

John spent the next twenty four hours antsy beyond anything he'd ever experienced before. He kept making lists of everything he was going to do once he was back in his own body but it got so long he would forget and have to start over. He considered writing it down but that would make him feel kind of pathetic. A long run, a shower, sparring with the marines and kicking their asses again, and peeing standing up were all at the top of the list but the very first thing he was going to do was jerk off. He didn't think he'd last long enough to do anything fancy, and he wasn't sure he wanted to the first time back, but as soon as he could get it up again he going to get out the simple little dildo he'd managed to smuggle out here and he was going to fuck himself hard. He was practically giddy just thinking about it all.

A little over three weeks without a single orgasm and John was ready to end that streak. It wasn't like he hadn't thought about sex the past weeks but it wasn't in any kind of concrete way that applied to him, just an abstract concept. He'd had sex with women before and knew how it worked and he may have broken down in a few more weeks and tried something but as things stood the body he was in didn't quite work with his concept of sex. He just wasn't attracted to himself in the normal way right now, because you have to enjoy touching yourself to, well, enjoy touching yourself.

He hadn't wanted to talk about it with Heightmeyer but she tended to tell him whatever she thought he needed to hear whether he wanted to hear it or not. She said it was normal, especially for those going through major or traumatic physical changes and tried to explain about the disconnect that was happening now between his mind and his body. He hadn't been able to stop the snort at that. Of course, she was also quick to point out that there was no precedent for this, which John took to mean her experience didn't mean squat right now.

The point was that he was excited. He smiled a lot and felt kind of bouncy and, judging from the looks he was getting, people thought he was being cute but that didn't manage to ruin his mood today.

~*~

The next morning Jennifer stopped by before breakfast and they exchanged bags of clothing and toiletries again. John had never been happier to see his shaving kit. Then they went their separate ways and anxiously awaited the call from Rodney that he was ready.

Of course, even when they had gotten the call and were waiting for Rodney to do his thing he still made them all stand around and wait while he double and triple checked everything but at long last he instructed John to touch the reconstructed, reverse engineered, device Rodney had spent much of the past weeks building. John reached out hesitantly, glancing one last time at Jennifer. She gave him a slight smile and he moved the last few centimeters. There was a spark, just like last time but in this light he couldn't tell if he was glowing again.

"Did it do it? Did you feel it?"

John nodded to Rodney.

"Ok, good, now just touch Jennifer."

He moved over to sit next to her on a medical gurney that had been brought just in case, trying to ignore the way Carson was hovering nervously in the background, then reached out slowly to set his hand on her wrist.


	3. Chapter 3

**Part 3  
**

Despite Rodney's highly developed brain he could be a little forgetful at times. Ok, a lot forgetful. He had just gotten to the point where he'd trained himself to respond a certain way to Keller. He was polite, held her hand, gave good bye kisses and was just in general a good boyfriend, he even shared with minimal complaining. When Sheppard and Jennifer had switched bodies his mind, for possibly the first time in his life, had been stuck on 'does not compute'. So his subconscious, his muscle memory, had taken over and he'd responded not to John but to what he knew. And it kept happening. He found that when his mind wasn't focused on remembering who was who he forgot all about anything but what he was doing. At these times his reactions were knee-jerk.

He'd never really thought about how he'd been taught to be aware of her presence, though it probably had something to do with how she kept trying to get him into little public displays of affection. It was the reason he had always found her holding his hand and why she wouldn't let him leave without the requisite good bye kiss and somewhere along the way it had become routine without necessarily being wanted on his part. He'd gone along with it, because he didn't want to lose her. It became habit to meet her half way, it was just something he did.

Normally a break-up would bring an end to little things like not holding hands anymore, if the habits had even had a chance to form yet, but this wasn't a break up.

He'd tried to avoid the problem but neither of them were going to let him get away with that and he'd found himself in the company of a Sheppard who kept acting enough like Jennifer to trigger PDAs and a Jennifer who was nothing like the person whose body she inhabited.

It hadn't actually taken him too long to recognize the look Sheppard got whenever they argued or when he bitched, which he wasn't used to being able to do with Jennifer. It was the same look Jennifer got when he tried to be romantic, fond and indulgent, he'd just never noticed the similarities until Sheppard was literally using Jennifer's face for the expression.

He often found himself cutting off his own words, expecting a reprimand from Jennifer about being rude, only to look up and see Sheppard worried and confused. He hadn't thought about how much he didn't say in front of her.

When he was around Jennifer he avoided physical contact because that was what he had always acted like around Sheppard and the first few times Jennifer would curl into him on the couch he had frozen then jumped up and made excuses to leave. He slowly got used to it, being closer to Sheppard than he normally did unless it was a life or death thing and Sheppard was dragging him around or shielding him from a bomb blast.

When Jennifer would say something, innocuous for her, he would respond instinctively with a cutting comment that would probably have made Sheppard laugh but instead he found himself on the end of more talks about remembering to be nice than he'd had to endure since he'd first gotten together with her. It hadn't occurred to him how much he freely said to Sheppard.

In fact, that was becoming a problem. Sheppard, as a blonde woman, was something Rodney couldn't believe he found so intriguing. Sheppard would come and get him for dinner or a movie or racing cars on the pier or try to get him to spar and Rodney wasn't prepared for how much he wished he could keep some of those things when he got Jennifer back in her own body. Sheppard had always had this habit of leaning on things and watching him and smirking but when he did those things now Rodney kept pushing away the thought of how much it resembled flirting. Sheppard had always done it so it couldn't mean anything new, even if he was noticing it in new ways when done in Jennifer's body. He was still attracted to Jennifer, of course, the problem was now he had his best friend in a body he wanted to get naked with and he may have developed an unhealthy attachment to the combination.

There had been a time, way back when he was in school and had only ever slept with a handful of girls and never even had a real girlfriend when he had figured, why not expand the criteria? He'd been on a few dates and jerked off a few times but when he started working for the Air Force he figured it was in his best interest to forget about it. Since then, though, he'd always kind of thought about himself as bi, but as of right now it was still a purely theoretical notion. He wasn't even sure if that counted in this situation. He was still physically attracted to Jennifer and he'd never really considered being attracted to Sheppard, though he'd certainly noticed that the man was attractive, so maybe he was just really confused and everything would go back to normal.

He was more than a little relieved to get them both back to the bodies they belonged in, for his sake.

~*~

Rodney expected to be relieved. He expected everything to go back to normal. And it did, just so long as he didn't look too closely. His life felt so surreal between Sheppard's new lease on life and Jennifer's separation anxiety.

Even after Sheppard's giddiness faded his smile seemed more real than it had been before, more like it had before he'd spent over five years at the front lines against the Wraith, back when Rodney had just met him. It wasn't much but he was more tuned into everyone else. And Rodney noticed. He noticed the smiles and the way Sheppard reached out a little more but he wasn't happy for him, instead he felt like he had lost something. Sheppard wasn't paying any less attention to him than he used to but it hurt somehow that the rest of the world was now getting to see a side of Sheppard that Rodney had thought was only for him, like he wasn't as special anymore. He found himself hoarding the attention he received from Sheppard and feeling proud when he would realize he was still getting more.

Jennifer, on the other hand, was clingy in a way she hadn't been before. Oh, she was happy and adjusted back just fine, but she kept closer than she had before when he was around. He knew he hadn't been as touchy and comforting as he probably should have but he was having enough trouble ignoring potential personal revelations without having John's body curled into him.

~*~

He wasn't sure exactly what it was he missed more: John with Jennifer's body or Jennifer with John's personality but after only a few short weeks it became clear that Jennifer just wasn't… _enough_ for him anymore. He cursed John for bringing this whole thing about. He'd been happy living in ignorance, with Jennifer, but now… well he'd never not known so much in his life. He liked Jennifer, wanted her, but she felt so two dimensional now when he looked back on those three weeks. He didn't want to give up what they had, and he may be a bastard and an ass, but he wasn't going to just keep stringing her along.

That night when Jennifer was starting the movie and he was waiting on the couch he heaved a huge sigh, "Jennifer, I, ah…"

She came over to sit next to him, placing her hand on his thigh, "what?"

He rubbed his face then picked up her hand, turning it over and watching his fingers twist through hers rather than looking at her face, "I've never done this before, I can't believe I'm doing this now, I," he took a deep breath, "I'm pretty sure I still love you."

She stiffened next to him, "what?"

Rodney gathered all his courage and looked her in the eye, it was probably a bad thing that he thought of John when looking in her eyes, "it's never going to get better than this, more than this, and I didn't think I needed more but I think I want it now. I can't describe it but it's just, we're not," he pulled way, resting his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands, "enough."

Jennifer leaned away, wrapping her arms around her knees and not looking at him, "there's someone else, isn't there."

Rodney wasn't sure so he just said, "it's not about anyone else, this is, it's just, what I need."

"And it isn't me."

"I'm sorry, really, I can't believe I'm doing this. I've never been happier in a relationship."

Jennifer turned her head but he could still see her hand swiping at her cheeks, "just leave. Please."

Rodney nodded, standing up, and when he turned around at the door his eyes might have been a little too bright but all he said was, "I'm sorry," and he was gone.

~*~

The next couple of days Rodney avoided other people as much as possible but he couldn't escape Sheppard. He worked in his private lab or found some remote area to work on but Sheppard still showed up to bring him coffee or make sure he ate or to bring him back to his quarters for sleep. It was so bizarre that Sheppard was still Sheppard. After being in Jennifer's, no, in Keller's, body and wreaking Rodney's view of the world it felt like Sheppard should be missing something the same way Rodney was.

Three days after his break-up, when Sheppard dropped him off in his room for the night, Rodney sat on the bed and said, "I broke up with her."

Sheppard sat down next to him, "I know, buddy."

"You? How?"

Sheppard shrugged, "word travels fast, even when you don't want it to."

Rodney sighed, "it's your fault."

Sheppard stayed very still for a few minutes, "what?"

"I liked her, I think I loved her, and then you go and get body swapped with her and mess up my life!"

He was standing and yelling now and Sheppard has folded in on himself a bit. Rodney wasn't going to think about how it made him want to hug him. Then Sheppard gathered himself and looked up, defiant, angry, and hurt, and it made Rodney sorry he'd said anything.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to _taint_ your view of her. I should leave."

Rodney grabbed Sheppard's arm and pushed him back onto the bed, "that's not how I meant it. You were. I, I think I miss it."

Sheppard sighed, "miss what."

"You, her, like that."

"Like what, Rodney?"

"I know it was Keller, but it was also you. You, blonde with breasts and you, she's hot but she was hotter when she was my best friend, too, you know, and now she's not. She's not you, too, and it's like she's missing something I didn't know I wanted and I couldn't just ignore it so I broke up with her."

"Rodney," Sheppard swallowed, "what are you saying?"

"I don't know! I mean, it was like she wasn't enough anymore but what made her enough was you and I can't tell if that's because we were missing a deeper friendship or because…" Rodney cut himself off, he often got carried away with Sheppard because he could, but he shouldn't say this. Sheppard probably hadn't been flirting with him before so saying this could definitely ruin their dysfunctional friendship and Rodney couldn't live without it. He could go without Jennifer but he'd be lost without Sheppard.

When he glanced over Sheppard had the same scared look on his face but it was toughened with resolve, "what?"

"Nothing, no, nothing, I just, I'm tired, you know, and maybe I just need some sleep, so…"

"Rodney," Sheppard said in his calmest command voice, the one edged with steel, the one that always got a salute from the marines, then he got up to stand right in front of Rodney, "because what?"

Rodney swallowed, "I, I, please don't hate me, I can't, god!" He shut his eyes, took a deep breath, then opened them again, "it's you. I chose between Jennifer's body and your mind and you won, ok? You," Rodney reached up to run a few fingers across Sheppard's forehead, "this is what made her, you, perfect."

Sheppard swallowed thickly, opened his mouth, closed it, and then melted into Rodney. Rodney moved closer in the embrace, into Sheppard's arm's holding him and the warmth of his chest seeping through their shirts. He moved his hands up Sheppard's neck and tilted his head then whispered, "can I?"

Sheppard nodded, moving forward until their lips met. It was tender and almost chaste and Rodney's heart was fluttering wildly.

"God, Sheppard."

"John."

Rodney looked up into Sheppard's smiling eyes, "what?"

"I'd really like it if you called me John, everyone else already does anyway."

Rodney hadn't really thought about it but, yeah, everyone else did. Not the marines, of course, but the civilian personnel all called him John. Why didn't Rodney, his best friend, call him by his first name?

"You never asked me to."

John smiled and kissed him on the forehead, "I didn't think I had to."

"Oh, well, huh. Sorry?"

John laughed. Rodney shut him up with another kiss. A long, open mouth, tongue involved, kiss. John made a pleased sound against Rodney's mouth and Rodney held on tighter as John sank closer, putting more of his weight on Rodney. When they broke apart this time John leaned forward and mouthed the area right under Rodney's ear.

"Oh, that's nice."

John smiled against his skin and moved back for one more light kiss, "I should go."

"What? No, I thought…"

"Rodney, this isn't…casual, for me. I won't be a one night stand or a rebound. I need you to know this is what you want."

"I do, I…"

"I also need to do this right. Have dinner with me tomorrow?"

"I, yes, of course."

"Good," he kissed Rodney one more time then disentangled himself and moved toward the door, "good night, Rodney."

"Yeah, good night, John," and Rodney got ready for bed shocked but grinning.

~*~

Rodney had lost two scientists that day. It was stupid and entirely their fault, if they'd only been a little smarter, or followed directions a little better maybe…Rodney sighed, maybe nothing, they were gone and it hurt. Drs. Gordon and Bergher weren't very high up on the chain and Rodney hadn't even met them more than a few times since they'd arrived almost a year ago, when John flew the city back, but he was still in charge. They were his responsibility. Rodney didn't take it well when he lost someone. His people weren't supposed to die.

So it had been a long day and Rodney had finally cleaned up the mess and managed to retrieve all the data his scientists had been working on from their busted laptops: Rodney wasn't letting them die for nothing. Now he just really wanted to curl up somewhere warm and soft and safe…

Rodney stopped at John's door. It was late, really late, so late is was well into morning. John was most definitely asleep.

They had gone on a few dates over the past two weeks, mostly things they already did but now with more touching and looking, and they had spent a few evenings making out but Rodney wasn't sure they were here yet. Since John had realized that Rodney hadn't done anything like this with Keller, and really where did he ever get that idea? John had been cautious not to move things faster than Rodney was ready for, but if they were going to go at his pace then it was his move, right? Except this isn't exactly sex he's thinking about, it wasn't about getting off, and that made this so much more intimate. And potentially dangerous.

Rodney turned to face his room but couldn't leave. He gathered his courage and opened the doors to John's quarters.

John stayed still but his eyes snapped open when Rodney entered, "sorry, I, um, can I?" Rodney gestured toward the bed. John scooted over, sitting up a bit, so Rodney could sit next to him.

"Something wrong?"

"Bad day."

"Yeah, I heard. Sorry, buddy. Do you, ah, need to talk about it?"

"No."

They sat quietly for a few moments then Rodney spoke, "I just, can I?" He looked pointedly at the space next to John.

John smiled and patted the bed, "c'mon then."

Rodney got up and stripped down to his boxers and tee shirt, anything less and it might be uncomfortable, and laid down somewhat awkwardly beside John.

John scooted closer and wrapped himself around Rodney, a hand on his chest and his head leaning on his shoulder. He kissed Rodney next to his collar bone and Rodney let out a long breath, bringing his arms around John.

"Thanks."

"That's what boyfriends are for."

Rodney chest flooded with warmth, he kissed the top of John's head.

"Night."

"Mmmm."

~*~

Rodney woke up warm, so warm he was a little sticky, with an even warmer weight curled partially on top of him.

"Sleep well?" John mumbled against Rodney's shoulder.

"Mmm."

They lay there for a few more moments while the lights flickered on in Rodney's mind. He blinked a few times, face slowly forming into a frown, "I should have left, shouldn't I?"

John lifted his head, "what? Why?"

"I should have been gone by morning so nobody would see me leaving."

John snorted. He leaned down to kiss Rodney, close mouthed, "Naw, you're fine."

"But what about…"

"Everyone will be out of the living quarters by eight but even if you did run across someone it's late enough that nobody's gonna question it, you just came to check something or make me come play light switch, whereas, if you get caught in the hallways before dawn…"

"Huh. I never thought of that."

"You've never had to sneak around."

Rodney opened his mouth, then closed it. He tried for casual, "have a lot of practice sneaking?"

John got serious, "not here, not on Atlantis, Rodney. Not at all for a long time."

"Oh."

"It's just something that stays with you, you know?"

"Huh."

"Rodney," John leaned closer, kissing him then resting their foreheads together, "just you, ok?"

Rodney nodded. He leaned up to kiss John again, holding him close and running his hands into John's hair.

"Yeah. Ok."

John kissed him again, licking into his mouth. Rodney shifted his hips to press his growing erection against John's thigh. He moaned in to John's mouth but John pulled away. Rodney grabbed him, keeping him close.

"No, I'm letting you protect my _virginity_ anymore, I'm tired of this."

John settled back on top of him, "are you sure?"

"God, John, I swear, if you ask me that one more time I'll stick you with cold showers and, once you do _decide_ I can handle sex, I'll leave you with the worst case of blue balls ever, got it?"

John fought to keep a straight face, "ok, Rodney, whatever you say."

Rodney slapped him lightly in the back of the head, "bastard," then cut off John's laugh with a hard kiss.

When they resurfaced both were rocking against each other, breathing heavily. Rodney ran his mouth over John's stubble, letting his teeth scrape gently, "I want to touch you, can I touch you?"

"Yes, please," John huffed out and Rodney ran his hand down from its position on John's shoulder, fingers pulling on John's shirt until John cooperated and let him pull it off. He threaded his fingers through the soft springy hair he found there. It wasn't anything like what he'd experienced before but instead of turning him off it was like being a teenager, or, in his case, early twenties, and finally getting to explore someone for the first time. It was hot as hell.

John wasn't pushing into his hands like he'd had women do but that was ok because he did look happy and content, like a cat. Rodney rubbed his thumb around a nipple then leaned in to kiss it. John made a pleased sound, reaching up to run his hand over Rodney's shoulder and into his hair.

Rodney's hand continued its journey down the path of hair, marveling at the change in texture when he got below John's belly button. His fingers slid under the waistband of John's boxers. John shifted to support himself on one arm and reached down to help Rodney peel them off.

Rodney pushed John over so he was on his back and Rodney was the one leaning over him. He watched as he brushed his fingers through the hair around John's cock, then over the cock itself. He watched, fascinated, as it filled more, moving slightly up to meet his fingers.

John breathed out a whimper, "Jesus, Rodney, you're killing me. More."

When he wrapped his whole hand around John's cock John sucked in a breath, holding it for a moment. John's cock felt hot in his hand, so hot, and he could feel John's pulse beating in counterpoint to his own. It was so much like his own yet so far from what he knew. He moved slowly at first, swiftly gaining confidence when John made little moans and started shoving into his hand. Rodney rocked against John's thigh, not enough to make him come or anything but enough to ease some tension. John threaded his fingers through the hair at the base of Rodney's neck and tugged him down for a breathy kiss.

They stayed like that, faces close together, Rodney settled above John and jerking him off, while John's breaths got shorter and his thrusts into Rodney's hand got more erratic. Rodney watched with wide-eyed fascination when John's body went taut beneath him. He could feel the flow of semen as it left John's body and the white hot splash against his skin, the droplets cooling as they ran off his hand.

He sat there, holding John's softening cock until John ruffled his hair again, "hey."

"Hey, that was, wow. John."

"Mmmm, c'mere."

John pulled Rodney closer for a kiss. He pushed Rodney around so he was on his back, tugging Rodney's shirt off as he went. Rodney hastily wiped his hand off before John threw it across the room.

"Your turn."

"God, yes."

~*~

They kept moving at Rodney's pace, John never asked for anything they hadn't tried before, but at least he was asking. Rodney liked that John could ask him for stuff. It was a good sign, Rodney hoped that once they got through all the basics that Rodney knew he needed to be comfortable with first maybe John would start asking for new stuff, too.

Once he had handjobs down he moved on to blowjobs. His first time giving one was quite possibly the most embarrassing thing ever to happen to him during sex. He almost gave it up then as a lost cause but John seemed to enjoy giving and Rodney hadn't really minded the taste and at least John hadn't laughed so he kept at it.

They'd been together for four months before Rodney got anywhere near John's ass. It was a mistake the first time. Rodney was blowing John and the finger pressed behind his balls as he was holding them kept slipping with sweat and when the tip ended up pressed to John's hole Rodney was afraid he'd gone too far but John just groaned deeper and pushed down.

They'd had a bit of a discussion after that and Rodney decided he wanted to be introduced to something that could make John make noises like that. So, one afternoon when they had the time, John walked him through the whole thing. Lube and fingering and finding the right angles. It had been a long time for John, too, so they did it with John on his hands and knees or his stomach for a while before getting to do it face to face.

It was six months before Rodney asked John to fuck him.

~*~

"I'm so glad you're not a woman."

John burst out laughing. He shook so hard he slipped out of Rodney.

John leaned down and kissed him, "so am I."

**The end**


End file.
